


Put The Knife Down

by my_people_skills_are_rusty



Category: Arthurian Mythology, Arthurian Mythology & Related Fandoms, Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Awesome Morgana, Body Image, Bullying, Child Abuse, Coffee Shops, College AU, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Harvard University, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Insomnia, Jock Arthur, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Photography, Plot Twists, Poor Merlin, Rich Arthur, Secrets, Slow Build, Song Based, Song Lyrics, Triggers, arthur is a jerk, bi arthur, freshmen, gay merlin, i swear it really isn't as dark as it seems, sheila put the knife down
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-04 18:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4148679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_people_skills_are_rusty/pseuds/my_people_skills_are_rusty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>THIS FIC IS NOW FOUND <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/11230347/chapters/25096071">HERE</a><br/>This is the old version and died so if you want the active and edited version... follow the link<br/>Merlin and Arthur are freshmen at Harvard who appear to be different in every way. Arthur is rich and popular. Merlin is a poor bullied introvert. Underneath the surface though they have a lot in common. Anyway this is an angst filled college au merthur fic with some fluff and possible eventual smut. Thanks for reading. Parts of it are based off songs and the title as well as the first two lines are from the song Sheila Put the Knife Down by Junior Prom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And Come On Back To Bed

**Author's Note:**

> Some anxiety in this chapter but no trigger warning needed I believe. I have no beta so I'm sorry for mistakes. I'll try to post often. Songs: Sheila Put the Knife Down by Junior Prom, Tear in my Heart by Twenty One Pilots, Lithium by Nirvana. Thank you to anyone who glances at this, reads this, likes this, bookmarks this... It means a lot to me!
> 
> THIS FIC IS NOW FOUND [HERE](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11230347/chapters/25096071)  
> so head on over and don't read this crap

"We're all fucked up some or other way. Some of us collect but most of us pay." Merlin hummed along quietly in his head as he rested against the window. He could feel every groove or bump in the road this way. He found it strangely comforting the way he could connect to the road beneath him sitting like this. It was as if he was going for a stroll instead of sitting on the passenger side of an electric blue Chevy impala driving from Denmark, Maine to Cambridge, Massachusetts to face unknown perils. By the time the song was done Merlin had a headache hitting his head every time the car hit a bump so he settled for resting his elbow against the armrest and laying his head on his hand. He could faintly hear his mom telling him that they were only an hour away over the loud music pounding through his head as he drifted off to sleep.

"Merlin honey, we're here. Merlin wake up. Merlin." Merlin woke to the sound of his mom's voice and sat up slowly. Blinking his eyes he took in the scene around him. On either side were large brick buildings. Beyond the buildings was the familiar outline of Cambridge and Boston, Massachusetts. Merlin had often come here as a young child. They drove through the more crowded section of Harvard's campus and stopped in front of an apartment building just a few blocks away. Merlin assumed that this was the place his mother had arranged for him to stay.

"My god Merlin I can't believe you are really going away to college. It seems like just yesterday you were just a little boy. I'm gonna’ miss you so much,” his mother exclaimed, tears forming in her eyes.

Merlin smiled as he stepped out of the car. His mom joined him at the back where she helped him get his bags out of the trunk. He knew this was the last time he was going to see his mom for months, but it hadn’t hit him yet so he just quietly pulled out his travel bag and suitcase as his mom rattled on.

"Remember Gaius lives in 4C. On weekends you'll be helping him around the house and on his deliveries until you get a real job. Oh god. I love you so much."

Merlin gave his mom a loving look in response as she wrapped him in her embrace. A few minutes later and he was waving to her as she drove off. As she left he felt his stomach tighten and his breathing hitch. As he slowly made his way to the front door the reality of the situation hit him. He was alone in Cambridge with no way to turn back. He sat down on a bench just outside the building and tried to calm his breathing. Determined not to have an anxiety attack at that moment Merlin took three deep breaths, stood up, and walked with as much confidence as he could muster to press the button labeled 4C to the right of the door. Almost immediately the door buzzed open. One more deep breath and a shaky smile and Merlin was in.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

As any young man might do, Merlin had expected a working elevator, a nice apartment building, and an easy first day. Unfortunately all of these hopes were crushed at the Out of Order sign taped crudely onto the elevator’s doors. Merlin grimaced at the thought of carrying his bags up four flights of stairs. Luckily he had, as always, severely under packed and so his load was little and light.

By the time Merlin had reached the door of his new apartment he was desperately wishing his small town public high school had offered any sports other than the girls’ yoga club open to juniors and seniors. The door was unlocked, but Merlin knocked anyway. The door swung upon and an old man with shiny white hair down to his shoulders stood before him, an amused expression on his face.

“You are Merlin I presume? Your mother said you’d be coming today. Told me all about what a sweet helpful young man you are. I’m right glad to have you here although she did neglect to mention how skinny you are. No wonder it took you so long up the stairs.”

Merlin stood helplessly in the hallway. Having no words to respond with, he opted just for a smile and a firm handshake. Gaius gladly took his outstretched hand and continued, paying no heed to Merlin’s discomfort. After years of practice Merlin knew that Gaius just couldn’t tell. His smile in the face of danger was something Merlin prided himself on.

Merlin was ushered in and given a quick tour. His room was small, but he didn’t mind. Gaius admitted that he had been too lazy to clean up the place before now, but Merlin was encouraged to do so along with some other weekly chores. Since it was a Tuesday Gaius had to go into work, but he informed Merlin that there was black bean soup in the fridge and numerous places to eat nearby. Soon after Merlin was alone again.

Only a few hours after saying goodbye to his mom Merlin felt the pain of her absence. He missed his house and his bed. He missed his only friend William and hanging out with him. Most of all he missed his mother, but it was too late to turn back now and although Merlin hated to admit it, this was all for the best.

Merlin sat on his new bed and took out his iPod. It was an old classic iPod Nano. They were no longer made and he was often mocked for it, but it held all of his music and he felt no need for a bigger screen. He clicked shuffle and let the music roll over him. Tear in my Heart by Twenty One Pilots was the first song to play. Merlin smiled and began his breathing exercises. The stress he had felt in his chest all day began to wash away and soon he was oblivious to the outside world.

“Maybe things won’t be so bad here,” thought Merlin as he laid back onto the bed. “Maybe I’ll be okay.”

♠♠♠♠♠♠

Throngs of young men and women pushed into red brick buildings across Harvard Yard. Merlin found himself being pushed against the walls as people shoved past making sure they were not the late ones on the first real day of classes. Merlin quickly located the nearest bathroom. He shuffled against the wall towards the door marked Men’s. Stepping into the quiet room, Merlin exhaled a small sigh of relief. He glanced towards the mirror. His hair stuck out in odd places which also made his ears look even bigger than usual. His face was especially long and awkward looking with his latest haircut and he couldn’t help but grimace at his pink baby cheeks he so desperately wanted to get rid of. He stepped backwards and leaned onto the wall behind him, breathing heavily before finally noticing he wasn’t alone.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

Arthur gave Morgana a quick peck on the cheek before stepping out of the sleek black limo. Having said his farewells just moments before inside the car he felt no need to wave goodbye as the limo followed the mess of cars away from him. Instead he quickly handed his bags to Atticus, his personal helper, given to him as a gift on his sixteenth birthday, and climbed into the elevator. It was slightly dusty and Arthur wrinkled his nose, but he didn’t really mind. Up on the highest floor the elevator stopped and Arthur stepped out. This floor was his. The entire floor had been paid for by his billionaire dad. Arthur frowned slightly at the thought of his dad but smiled again when he heard the doors open behind him.

“Thank you Atticus. Your room is at the end of the hall. I’m gonna’ call it a day, but you can do whatever you want in your free time like always.”

Not caring for a response, Arthur turned and walked down the hallway to the grand suite. He threw himself on the bed and just lay there taking in the smell of the familiar warm sheets he had had sent ahead. Arthur turned his body over so he was lying on his back. The ceiling was pale mint just like the rest of the room. Everything was exactly as Arthur had asked. He designed the room to be just like his was at home, but it didn’t feel at all like home... at least not yet.

Arthur was all alone in the room and yet still he couldn’t cry. It hurt... Being sent away to Cambridge, away from Morgana and Gwen, all by himself. It sucked and Arthur had no idea what to do, but no matter how upset he was all he seemed to be able to do was stare at the minty ceiling above him.

With nothing else to do for the rest of the day Arthur decided to take a shower and check out the pizza place he had seen across the street. Arthur grabbed his phone and put the music on shuffle with the volume up high. Nirvana blasted from the small speaker and Arthur relaxed as he stepped into the warm shower. He screamed out the words to Lithium and played air guitar the whole time. Since he hadn’t bothered unpacking yet the only shampoo and conditioner he had were two that his sister Morgana had picked out for him and placed on top of his stuff at the last minute. Arthur was at first disappointed that he couldn’t find his regular stuff, but his mood quickly changed when he opened the bottle and the calming smell of cinnamon and evergreens filled his head.

Arthur’s shower was quick and soon he had changed into a black button down and his favorite jeans. The pizza place was called Riverview. The inside was filled with talk and laughter and warmth. A friendly woman greeted him by the door and showed him a table.

“Thank you Miss…” Arthur squinted at the name tag. “Lavender.”

The woman blushed and hurriedly asked him what he like to drink. “A whole bottle of vodka,” thought Arthur miserably, but decided against voicing this thought and ordered a glass of water to start. It took Arthur a long time to go through each item on the menu but in the end he settled for a slice of a relatively plain pizza called Jay’s heart. The pizza was delicious and the warm atmosphere made Arthur positive he would come back often.

Back in his room Arthur suddenly realized how tired he was. He set down the book he had been planning to read and turned down the volume to his music. Arthur checked his alarm one last time before finally crawling underneath the old navy covers and letting himself slip away into his dreams. He fell asleep with the lights on.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

The first thing that Arthur noticed when he arrived was that he was not alone. Of course he should have known that on the first day of classes he would not be the only one to show up early, but he hadn’t expected quite so many people. Arthur was a jock. He was good looking and rich and was always pretty social, but some part of him wasn’t really like this and so when a bunch of guys saw him and began to move towards him he had half a mind to run away.

“Hey!” They called as they walked towards him. He waved back and put on his signature smile all while desperately wishing they would turn around and walk the other way. They stopped in front of him.

“Yo freshman. We haven’t seen you around. You look pretty built. What’s your name?” They smiled at him and he relaxed. He was good with people and making friends with people in higher classes could do nothing, but boost his reputation.

“I’m Arthur.” He pushed back his hair and extended his hand. The one standing directly opposite him took it and introduced himself as a senior named Lancelot.

“I make it a habit to know every student in the school, but I mostly wanted to talk to you about football.” Arthur perked up at the mention of football, a sport he had played since ten. “I’m the captain of the football team this year and these are my mates. We are currently looking for some freshmen to try out and honestly you looked like our type of guy. We were hoping to recruit you.”

Arthur gladly accepted the offer and was given a sheet to fill out and give to them at try-outs in a week. He so easily slid into the persona of popular jock and as more people arrived he quickly made friends. As he shuffled into the science center for his first class he was smothered by people. He stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself and wait out the crowd. He washed his hand and leaned against the frame of a stall just as a young man with goofy ears came stumbling in.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

Arthur gazed at the kid with a goofy grin on his face. The guy was adorable and clearly not built to withstand first-day-crowding syndrome. The guy didn’t notice Arthur at all but instead closed his eyes and began to breathe loudly. Arthur’s face fell when he saw how distraught the young man was. The man looked in the mirror and started to frown at his reflection. This caused pain in Arthur’s chest. He finally realized he had been staring and thought of making his presence known with a cough or maybe even trying to sneak out when finally the man turned around and noticed him. Not knowing what to do as a horrified look swept over the man’s face Arthur stuck out his arm and flashed his best smile.

“Hey I’m Arthur Pendragon. Nice to meet you.”


	2. I Was Only Joking When I Said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I finally finished this chapter. I'm so sorry it took to long. Trigger warning for anxiety and panic attacks. Message me if you want a summary. Also I know this chapter is a bit confusing at points, but I promise that everything will be revealed over time. The next chapter is going to be the day from Arthur's point of view and then finally the chapter after that will be the trip to the Pendragon estate. Fell free to comment and a huge thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this story. I love you all. Also the lullaby is one that used to be song to me. It's called Today by John Denver although I don't know if that's where it originally came from.

Meeting new people is hard for everyone. The sociable people find themselves judging everyone else while carefully avoiding being judged by others. The introverts find themselves judging themselves while carefully avoiding judging others. For Merlin meeting new people meant a chance to be hurt and upset. It meant being judged, and judging himself. Although he was always aware of his flaws there is nothing like having someone else inspect them to make him cringe.

That’s why when a tall young man with a flashy smile and perfect skin held out his hand in the men’s bathroom at Harvard on the first day of school just as Merlin was recovering from the start of what could have been a major anxiety attack the only thing Merlin’s idiot brain could think of doing in response was to step back into the stall next to him and lock the door. Of course seconds after doing so he realized what he had done.  
“Umm sorry for bothering you,” came the voice from the other side of the door. “Are you okay? Never mind. I realize talking to some random bloke through a stall door is it a bit weird. Bye.”

Merlin just sat on the toilet shaking in response. He couldn’t reply even if he had wanted to and after that act of insane foolishness Merlin was quite content to stay here in silence all day. Unfortunately he was already late for his first class because of his inability to hold it together. Merlin cautiously unlocked the stall door and stepped out. No-one was in the bathroom with him so he took the time to splash cold water on his face and practice his breathing. When he stepped out of the bathroom the hallways were almost completely void of people although the sound of busy teachers and students could still be heard through the walls of every class. Merlin swung his bag onto his shoulder and began to run to class.

He burst through the door of the classroom just beyond the stairs in the second floor. His speed mixed with unfortunate natural clumsiness caused him to fall on his face just after making it through the door. Quickly picking himself up Merlin looked around the room. Technically it was a small lecture hall, but the amount of people that filled the seats could have easily fit in a smaller room. The kids ranged in styles and looks greatly but it was clear none of them were of the popular or sporty kind. It made sense considering that Merlin’s first class of the year was digital photography.

The professor, a short middle age woman wearing a seashell dress, payed no attention to him as she put her energies into reaching the upper chalkboard to slide it down. Merlin was about to step over and help her, but thought better of it and made his way up the steps to the back. Soon enough the lady found a managed to make a stool out of textbooks and complete her task. With a big grin she turned around to face the class and introduced herself as Mrs. Lockwood.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all. Last year I had about ten less than this when I started so it’s a welcome surprise to see all these faces. By the way this is Digital Photography 101 in case any of you are in the wrong place.”

She paused for a moment and rolled her eyes. Clearly people had left at this point before.

“We’ll have to go over all the basics and topics, but mostly this class will be made of projects and practicing as I prefer a hands-on approach to teaching.”

Merlin smiled at this and focused intensely on the lesson. It was hard staying still for an hour, but he was so lost in her love of the subject that he didn’t mind it as much as he usually did. At the end of the class they were given the assignment to capture three black and white photos of a crowded place; one on the morning, one at noon, and one at night. Merlin was excited because black and white photography was his favorite kind although he didn’t love the idea of going to a crowded space.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

It wasn’t as though Merlin didn’t like people. He had friends from home and was relatively okay at socializing. The problem was that in the last few years, although he hadn’t become bad at interacting with others, he had become afraid of it. His anxiety and stress levels had risen enormously and Merlin quickly became a recluse with only a few people he felt comfortable being around. That being said, it was not as if the change in Merlin’s personality and mental health had come about randomly. “It’s been a rough few years,” thought Merlin with a sigh as he sat on his bed amidst the clutter of textbooks and dirty laundry.

Merlin had survived the first month at Harvard. Sure there had been struggles, but life had been good considering. Merlin had a job helping Gaius with his clients when he was called away. The most Merlin knew was that he was the personal doctor to some rich family living just outside of Boston. Gaius also seemed unphased by Merlin’s quirks. Merlin hadn’t made any friends, but there was a group he sat with at lunch that tried to be nice to him. The effort was appreciated. Merlin had mostly kept his head down and when he wasn’t at class he was in the library. The type of people that were going to cause Merlin problems were not the type to hang out in the Library. The best part though, was that Merlin had lost three pounds while in Boston. He had been dieting for almost a year now to no avail, but finally his efforts had paid off.

Merlin grumbled at the work before him. Although law was the right choice Merlin wasn’t sure that the workload had been quite what he had expected. Between the studying and the morning classes Merlin had found himself running purely on cheap coffee from the nearest Starbucks and continuously blood-shot eyes. Staring at the words before him the exhausted student watched as the page slowly darkened and blurred into oblivion. It seemed as though it was just as his head grazed the plump pillow beneath him that a voice rang through his head causing him to jerk upwards and hit his head against the wooden headboard.

“Merlin you need to clean up your room. I understand that as a teenager-” Merlin resisted the urge to remind Gaius that he was nearly twenty. Gaius continued without noticing Merlin’s small pout. “-you can’t always find the energy, but this place is a mess so over the weekend I expect it to be spotless. That brings me to another point. I was wondering if you’d be willing to accompany me to the Pendragon estate. The boy there is ill and I could use an extra hand. It’s best if we help him as quickly as possible. He can’t afford to miss as much school as he has.”

Merlin scoffed. If this boy was a Pendragon he could afford anything, but Merlin knew that wasn’t what Gaius meant. Gaius glanced at him to see if Merlin was still following him. A quick wave of the hand had Gaius speaking once again as if he had never stopped.

“Although I do believe you’ll be useful I can’t bring you down there until you become presentable once again. We’re seeing them Saturday so I want you to shave and wash today as well as do your laundry. If you can get your act together by then I’ll pay you for the work and you’ll be free from room cleaning this weekend, but otherwise I can’t bring you.”

Merlin nodded in response. It was mildly exciting to receive a chance to meet The Pendragon family. Small towns didn’t produce many rich folks so the most Merlin had to go on was his friend, William, who was the Mayor’s son. Admittedly even William had been poor. The whole town had suffered when the crops went bad that year and when a gang showed up and stole half of the supplies everyone found themselves fighting to survive.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

That Friday Merlin took his first bath in years. He showered regularly of course, but after the age of seven baths became a luxury and after he turned ten they ceased altogether. After the day he had had though, Merlin thought he deserved hot bath. He sunk into the near-boiling water with a sigh. 

The day had started out okay. Merlin slept in because the philosophy teacher was sick and Gaius had noticed that he hadn’t been getting enough sleep. When he woke up he found himself in an abnormally good mood and so he saw the chance to push through the anxiety and stop by that coffee shop on the corner before Criminal Justice. Merlin shrugged on a coat over the t-shirt and black skinny jeans he had fallen asleep in. Soon after stepping out of the building Merlin was almost run over by a woman with flaming red hair and a power suit. Merlin cowered away in fear that she would blame him, but continued down the street determined to continue his good mood. He rounded the corner and smiled in relief at the small yellow building. Street art and murals covered the open side of it and the front displayed artwork and books from the community. The words Kookaburra Cafe: Open To All were painted in bubble letters on a sign above the door. 

“What can I getcha?” The lady at the counter smiled at Merlin as he walked in. She seemed to be about his age, but had a wisdom about her as if she was in fact an old woman. Her wavy black hair hung behind her, dipping beneath her shoulders and out of sight. Her soft tan skin practically glowed and her smile was even brighter. Her name tag said “Gwen” Merlin smiled back at her.

“Need a minute to think?” She asked. Merlin realized he had been staring and blushed. He focused on the chalkboard above her and quickly tried to choose. Merlin uncomfortably shifted his feet when he realized he had no way to respond or place his order. He considered asking her, but decided to try just pointing. She looked at him for a moment with confusion, but then smiled at him with a look of unexpected understanding. She swiveled to see where he was pointing. She put her finger up to the word Dilma and raised her eyes to him.

“This what you want?” Merlin nodded and turned to sit down at a table while she prepared his tea. The door squeaked loudly and swung open. Merlin turned to look at the newest customer. The first thing he saw was bright blonde hair. Merlin let out a small gasp. He knew the man. It was the guy he had met on the first day in the bathroom. Merlin paled. If he had been religious he would have been praying at the moment. Please, don’t let him see me. Luckily the man- Arthur I think -seemed more focused on getting to the counter than inspecting the other customers.

“Arthur!” exclaimed Gwen happily. Merlin watched as the two leaned across the counter from opposite sides and passionately kissed each other. No-one but Merlin seemed to notice or mind. Merlin shifted in his seat uncomfortably and turned his head to stare at the table.

“Hey umm I don’t know your name, but your tea is ready. Want me to bring it to your table?” Merlin looked up to see if she was referring to him. Both Gwen and Arthur were staring at him. Merlin nodded at Gwen as quickly as possible and resumed staring at the table with his head in his hands. It was too late.

“Hey you’re the kid from the bathroom. What was it the first day or something? Anyway-” He turned to Gwen, chuckling as he spoke. “-this guy got one look at me and freaked. I mean he locked himself in the stall.”

Merlin was locked in his seat. He remembered that moment. He had looked so foolish and now it seemed to be happening all over again. A few people from other tables were looking at him. His chest clenched. There was nothing he could do, but hope Arthur would lose interest in him and he could get out of here. Through his terror he could hear Gwen telling Arthur to be nice.

“Aww Gwen I’m just teasing. The start of school is hard on all of us. I’m sure he’s got to have a bit more confidence now.” Merlin cursed inwardly when Arthur took a step towards him. A goofy, yet slightly sarcastic, grin was plastered on his face. “It’s nice to meet you again. I never did get your name. I’m not sure if you remember, but I’m Arthur. This here is Gwen, my girlfriend. So? Are you ready to get off your high horse and speak to us lowly peasants?”

“Arthur!” Gwen said sharply. 

“What I’m only trying to make friends with him. He seems like a nice kid even if he is a bit skinny.” Another step. Merlin could feel his heart racing. All he wanted to do was curl up into a ball or run away, but in this situation neither one was a viable option. More people had stopped eating or reading their newspapers to watch Merlin. Arthur was still advancing with an outstretched arm and Gwen just stood there with a look of pity. Merlin wanted to shake his hand. He wanted to smile and introduce himself. He wanted to befriend the lovely and kind Gwen and the charming and annoyingly handsome Arthur Pendragon. He wanted to suddenly become a normal kid like he had been all those years ago. Unfortunately instead of doing any of those things all Merlin could do was sit there silently.

“I’m sorry if I scared in you the bathroom that first day, but come off it. I don’t bite.”

When Merlin didn’t reply once again Arthur finally seemed to give up. He relaxed his arm and shook his head in disappointment. Suddenly he lifted his hand again and waved it wildly in front of Merlin’s face. Not waiting for a reaction, Arthur turned to Gwen.

“What the hell is wrong with him? Does he have a disability or what? No-one is that much of an arse.”

“I am,” thought Merlin miserably. The hand motion had set him off. He couldn’t breathe anymore and he had begun to curl in on himself. He clenched his hands and bit his lip until he could feel blood. Through his panic he didn’t hear Gwen yelling at Arthur. He didn’t hear the people around him asking what’s wrong. “What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so messed up that I can’t even talk to people? No wonder I don’t have any friends. I am a freak. I am a grown man who can’t even hold it together. Oh god what must everyone think of me? I can’t do anything right. I can’t even have tea.” Merlin stood up. Brushing off the hands that comforted him. He wasn’t even aware of who it was anymore. He grabbed his bag and half ran out of there. Hurriedly he pushed through everyone on the sidewalks. He finally stopped outside his apartment building. He felt his face in terror, but luckily there were no tears. He ran inside, up the stairs, and into his apartment. Thankfully Gaius wasn’t home. He collapsed on his bed. He lay there knocking his head against the backboard repeatedly and clutching the bed sheets like they were his only anchor. For the first time all year, Merlin missed a class, and he didn’t care one bit.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

That’s how Merlin found himself taking his first bath since he was nine. After his meltdown Merlin had decided to work on his essay on the death penalty. Merlin had always found that there was nothing like screwing up royally to make working seem enjoyable and easy. On page five Merlin ran out of his creative juices and so decided to use the time until Gaius got home to clean up just like he had promised to do. In a few hours the entire apartment, including Merlin’s room, was spotless. As a reward, Merlin chose to finally try out the bath in the main restroom.

Merlin rested his head against the edge of the tub. It was nice to finally relax after such a long day. Merlin began to hum quietly to himself, something he hadn’t done since arriving in Boston. The tune was random, floating casually from Merlin’s head and through his lips. It started off slowly, but as Merlin sunk deeper into his warm-water induced bliss the song became lively and carefree. It took him a few minutes to realize that over time his random tune had morphed into his favorite lullaby from his childhood. The words came into his head matching the pace of his humming. As Merlin sat in the tub he could have sworn he could hear his mother’s voice singing to him. A small smile worked it’s way on to Merlin’s lips.


	3. You're an Only  Child and it Really Shows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I exist. I am sorry it took so long but It's been crazy getting ready for camp (plus I procrastinate a lot). I leave tomorrow so I won't be able to update for at least 4 weeks (uggh I know I'm sorry). That's why I really wanted to get this done before I go. I promise to work on it while I'm gone. Once again I really need a beta so please if you'd be willing to, contact me.
> 
> Trigger Warnings:  
> Acoholism  
> Abuse
> 
> I'd like to give a huge thank you to everyone who gives kudos or bookmarks this because honestly it just makes my day seeing that anyone would ever like my writing. I'd also like to give cookies, hugs, and thank yous to everyone who writes a comment. It means a lot to me. Your comments always put a smile on my face. Please don't be afraid to give feedback. Both praise and constructive criticism is welcome. Anyway I love you all.

Arthur woke up with a painful headache. His body was twisted at an awkward angle and his head was rested against the hard wooden backboard. He glanced around for the missing pillow before making the educated guess that it was on the floor. It figured he’d wake up like this. The night had been filled with restless sleep, another symptom of his constantly growing insomnia. Arthur chuckled sarcastically. At night he found himself plagued by dark thoughts and so he couldn’t sleep. In the daytime he felt as though the dark thoughts had won and he couldn’t be bothered to get up. It was a vicious cycle seemingly made just to screw him over. Today was different though. Today Arthur would get to see Gwen. It had been months since they had actually seen each other; sure they had been in contact but Skyping and texting could never live up to the way she smiled in person. Just for a week Gwen was taking over her dad’s coffee shop while he went to a conference in Florida. This meant that Gwen was now only fifteen minutes away. 

Arthur sat up excitedly ignoring the dizzy pounding in his head. Soon he was making his way downstairs. The second he reached the kitchen the smell of vomit, tears, and alcohol became apparent to him. He groaned inwardly and braced himself before stepping into the dining room. One of the newer maids fled past him, tears streaming down her face. A sharp crashing sound startled Arthur. He looked to his left at the shattered plate on the floor and at the raspberry jam sliding down the wall slowly. Finally working his eyes to the table Arthur gazed at the site before him. His dad was standing at the head of the table growling angrily. Breakfast foods littered the floor around him. One of the older maids stood in the corner with cleaning supplies. Her expression was blank, almost been bored. She was used to the un-offical morning routine that was his drunken father. Arthur stepped forward slowly, hands stretched out as a gesture of peace. Uther Pendragon finally noticed his son. He looked at the mess around him in confusion. He was clearly out of it and there was a good chance he would remember none of this.

“Dad it’s me Arthur. You’ve had a bit too much to drink. Why don’t we go upstairs and get you cleaned up?” He continued forward towards his father. Uther looked as though he didn’t quite hear what his sin was saying. His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to piece together what was happening through his drunken stupor. Arthur spoke with more determination.

“Dad you’re drunk. You need to take a bath and get some rest. We need to go upstairs so they can clean up down here.” Arthur extended his hand in an effort to get his dad to come with him upstairs. Recognition passed over Uther’s face and before Arthur could react Uther stepped forward and hit Arthur in the stomach. He doubled over in pain. His father had not gotten to where he was in life by holding back.

“Don’t tell me what to do you ungrateful bastard!” his father roared. “I had a few beers. What the hell is wrong with that. Has it ever occurred to you that I might need something to relax after having to deal with you all day. You’ve been sick and whiny all week. The only thing you’re good at is complaining. So yah I had a drink or two. I needed to escape from you, my fuck-up of a son.” 

Uther’s face was beet red by the time he finished screaming. Arthur just stood there silently. On the word son Uther kicked at Arthur’s shins wildly. His aim and force were off because of the alcohol, but it still hurt. Arthur knew there would be bruises on his stomach and legs. His head pounded and he fought the urge to throw-up. The smell of his dad’s throw-up from before didn’t help. In all his excitement about seeing Gwen he had forgotten that his fever had only broken yesterday and he was still recovering. In fact Gaius was coming over the next to help and to get him ready for school by Monday. 

Arthur pushed his dad off of himself. The older Pendragon had collapsed in his own misery and was now attempting to give Arthur a hug while he sobbed loudly. Arthur took him by the arm firmly and half dragged him up the stairs. He got the bath going and laid his dad onto the bed as the tub filled. He pulled of Uther’s clothes as he continued to sniffle quietly. Once his dad was in all set in the tub he turned to Linda, his father’s personal caretaker and maid, and grimaced.

“Don’t let him drown.”

With that Arthur walked quickly out of the room. He stopped by his own bathroom to throw up and gulp down a few ibuprofen pills and then calmly fled the house.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

It was only a few drinks. As far as Arthur was concerned it was nothing. At most his inhibitions were slightly lowered, but he wasn’t drunk. The bartender gave him a look when he first walked in. He realized what he must look like; a half-dressed young man with a limp walking into a bar this early in the morning. He walked past the bar at first and scooted into the bathroom. 

Arthur groaned at his reflection. Instead of the handsome, charming, young fellow that usually greeted him he was met with the face of could easily be a homeless drug addict. His bloodshot eyes had dark circles under them. He has the uncomfortable beginnings of a beard from not shaving while sick this week. His white undershirt he had worn to bed barely hid the bruises on his stomach, recent or not. Arthur tried to wash his face and hair quickly in the sink, but gave up quickly. 

Still pissed about his dad, Arthur realized he didn’t care what a bunch of random strangers in a bar at 9 o’clock in the morning thought of him. He stepped out of the bathroom with a new found confidence, ready to duel anyone who so much as gave him a look. Arthur staggered defeatedly to the bar when he realized he was the only pathetic enough to be here right now. The bartender gave him a sympathetic look.

“What will you have?”

Arthur sighed and pointed lazily to the beer. He couldn’t find it in himself to talk to the guy, worried he might punch someone or cry if he opened his mouth. 

This is how Arthur found himself staggering down the street to meet Gwen an hour early. Between the limp and the fatigue Arthur appeared to the rest of the world completely sloshed. Just a few blocks from the coffee shop Arthur suddenly remembered how he looked. In a single moment of clarity he texted Atticus to bring him a tooth-brush and a change of clothes. Only fifteen minutes later Atticus pulled up to the curb. 

After Arthur had cleaned up and attempted brush away the smell of alcohol on his breath, Atticus drove him to the cafe. The short ride was a silent one. Arthur had expected Atticus to ask questions, but luckily he had learned over the years not to. 

“Have fun with Guinevere!” Called out Atticus as he drove away. Arthur smiled. He pushed open the door and reveled in the familiar sound of the bells the chime whenever the door opens. He spotted Gwen and half ran over to her. She smiled at him happily. 

"Arthur!" Gwen leaned over the counter still smiling. Arthur took the invitation and leaned in to her. He kissed her passionately happy he was finally getting to be with his girlfriend. Gwen lightly pushed him off after a few moments and gestured to the coffee machines behind her.  
"My shift ends in half an hour but we can hang out till then. Wait just a second I have to get a customer's tea." Arthur just smiled in reply. Everything was still sort of hazy and he was just glad she hadn't tasted the alcohol on his breath. The anger and sadness from this morning still lingered in the back of his mind, but between years of practice and the beer Arthur chose to ignore it and enjoy the moment. 

Gwen came over again with the drink. "Shoot I don't know the guys name. He didn't really talk." 

Arthur followed her gaze to a young man at the corner table. His face was hidden by a newspaper and the rest of his small frame was all but curled into a ball. Gwen called to him and he looked up from behind the paper. Arthur recognized him at once. It was the boy from the bathroom way back in September. Other the Lancelot and the team, Merlin had been the first person he had met at Harvard. Of course after he been introduced to Percival and Gwaine and his other teammates, but the skinny boy with big ears had stuck with him. 

A strange unexpected anger seeped through him when he thought about the situation. Looking back on it Arthur could only remember how rude the boy had been. When Arthur introduced himself and reached to shake the boys hand he had completely ignored him and locked himself in a stall. He didn't even speak. A small part of Arthur's brain reminded him of how distraught the guy had been, but the rest of him demanded an answer. Arthur called out to the guy. 

“Hey you’re the kid from the bathroom. What was it the first day or something? Feeling the need to explain the situation to Gwen he turned to her. “Anyway, this guy got one look at me and freaked. I mean he locked himself in the stall.” 

Arthur chuckled sarcastically. He wasn't sure why, but he hoped the guy heard what he was saying and felt bad. Gwen made a horrified face and said his name sharply. Arthur ignored her and turned to the guy. Something in his gut told him to stop and he almost did. He looked at the brunette in front of him. He was so much smaller than Arthur and was visibly upset. Arthur felt bad for a second. Unfortunately all he saw when he looked again was his dad, the way he looked all sad and broken even though he was the one doing the damage. Arthur's mind snapped and he took a step forward. 

“Be nice Arthur,” Gwen said warningly. Arthur turned around to flash her his most charming smile.

“Aww Gwen I’m just teasing. The start of school is hard on all of us. I’m sure he’s got to have a bit more confidence now.” He gave the young man an expectant look and took another step. He widened his smile. Maybe if he showed him that he wasn’t a threat he would talk.

“It’s nice to meet you again. I never did get your name. I’m not sure if you remember, but I’m Arthur. This here is Gwen, my girlfriend.” When he didn’t get a reply Arthur felt the need to challenge the guy. He had to know why the man refused to talk to him. “So? Are you ready to get off your high horse and speak to us lowly peasants?”

Arthur felt Gwen tug at his arm. She called his name Arthur could hear the anger in her voice. He didn’t look at her, unsure of whether he could handle seeing her upset.

“What I’m only trying to make friends with him. He seems like a nice kid even if he is a bit skinny.” Arthur tried to give another smile towards the kid. Still nothing except a look of horror. Arthur felt a strange sadness and hoped he had not caused the look even if the boy was extremely rude. Arthur continued towards him and tried to relax the man.

“I’m sorry if I scared in you the bathroom that first day, but come off it. I don’t bite.” The guy just sunk back even further into his chair. Arthur shook his head defeatedly. He didn’t understand what he had done wrong to make this guy hate him so much. In that moment Arthur was miserable. His dad clearly hated him, this guy hated him without even knowing him, and Gwen probably hated him after this. In a last ditch effort to get a response out of the guy Arthur waved his hand in front of his face seeing if he was even capable of blinking. He didn’t wait for a response though. He turned angrily to Gwen who looked even more upset than he was.

“What the hell is wrong with him? Does he have a disability or what? No-one is that much of an arse.” Gwen slapped Arthur in the face.  
“What the fuck Arthur? Why are you being such a jerk? You’re a mean drunk and honestly I can’t even fathom what excuse you have for drinking this early! I was going to ignore it, but if you’re gonna go around traumatizing people then get out. We can talk more tomorrow.”

She angrily brushed past him. Arthur stood there in shock. The man in front of him was now curled up on himself and hyperventilating. Gwen rubbed his back soothingly, but it didn’t seem to help. Arthur suddenly felt like he was going to throw up. He didn’t even know what had possessed him to do this, but he desperately wanted to go back in time and reverse the situation. The quiet young man suddenly stood up and fled. Arthur was quick to follow, but as soon as he was out of the cafe he realized he had no idea what to say or do. His head throbbed and he just wanted to lie down. Arthur called for Atticus to pick him up and sat down against the wall of the building, ignoring the dirty pavement. He shook his head sadly. Atticus arrived after a short while.

“Where to sir?” He asked. Arthur sighed. He didn’t want to go home. Even if his father was asleep Morgana would be there with questions about his day. Normally if something happened he would go to the cafe, but that clearly wasn’t an option. Arthur bit his tongue and looked back at the questioning driver.

“Take me to the library please.” Atticus nodded in understanding. Although Arthur would never admit it to his friends he loved the Harvard Library. He loved the smell of the old books and the plush chairs in hidden corners he only had access to because of his family’s wealth. 

♠♠♠♠♠♠

Arthur sunk into the red chair. Only one other person was in the room with him. Arthur recognized the old man as a friend of his father’s. Arthur took in a deep breath. The smell of old paper and leather and dust filled his senses. The only sound to be heard from this room were distant footsteps and the turning of pages. On his lap sat a copy of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Before opening it Arthur ran his fingers lazily along the spine. "If only books were as addictive as alcohol." The words flew through his brain. "If only my father could choose to escape in fantasy instead of a drink." Arthur smiled slightly at the idea of going to a bar and ordering Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It certainly would be an improvement. 

Still smiling, Arthur opened the book carefully. It was a very old copy.  
"Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour  
Draws on apace; four happy days bring in  
Another moon: but, O, methinks, how slow  
This old moon wanes! she lingers my desires,  
Like to a step-dame or a dowager  
Long withering out a young man revenue."

The words danced across the page and Arthur found himself in a trance. The rest of the world was slowly fading from view as he pictured the scene in his head. This was Arthur’s favorite of all of Shakespeare's works. Despite his father’s hatred of what he called foolish fantasies, Arthur had always been drawn to magic in stories. The fantasy worlds were the ones so far from his own life and his favorite to imagine. As Arthur continued to read he couldn’t help but wonder "If I were a story, would I be the hero… or I would I be a villain?"


	4. I'm a Heartless Prick, God Only Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of this chapter! Merlin gets a text from a friend the morning of his visit with Arthur. No music in this chapter and no warnings as far as I can tell. I swear it will get more interesting. This bit is just filler. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god!!!! What?? After 6 months of nothing I finally am posting. Sorry I'm a depressed, anxiety ridden, and ridiculously busy falafel. This is only the first 1/2 of the chapter so It's shorter than usual, but i couldn't wait till tomorrow. I'll write and post the second half probably tomorrow, Thursday at the latest. After that I make no promises because it was the pressure that killed me in the first place, but hey I'm back. Not sure if anyone even wants to read this any more, but I'd like to thank all the people who commented and especially the ones who are still here. You gys made me very happy and kept me and this fic going so thank you. Keep commenting, liking, bookmarking, and subscribing. Every bit puts a smile on my face. Honest feedback is always welcome though and I understand that there are many inaccuracies between my lack of experience in college and city life, and also some continuity errors I discovered when reading this. As always I am looking for a beta as I am the worst editor and honestly writer of my work. Thanks again everyone. Love you all!

There was a long list of things that upset Merlin and Arthur Pendragon was at the top. Worse still, Merlin had finally made the connection. " ** _Arthur Pendragon_** _, as in the Pendragon Estate, as in Gaius' number one customer and the family I agreed to visit... today."_ The thought made Merlin's stomach churn. The panic attack yesterday had been horrible and Merlin was not looking forward to another one. Honestly Merlin was pissed at Arthur. He had been such a jerk the day before. For almost two months Merlin had had no major panic attack. Sure sometimes he would wake up screaming and other days he couldn't get out of bed, but it was getting better. **He** was getting better.

His clock blinked at him.

**5:27**

Gaius would be coming to wake him up in an hour. Merlin stared at the ceiling. In reality it was too dark without the lights on to see his ceiling but Merlin had spent enough time looking up in thought to know every single crack and bump above him. He knew it was ridiculous to just lie here in his own misery and worries, but what else could he do. To move around would be to wake Gaius and to do work on his bed was something he despised. Merlin sighed quietly. Besides him his phone flashed. "Who would text me this early?" That thought was quickly replaced with "Who would be texting me at all?" Very few people had his number. His mother preferred to call and Will liked his sleep. In fact that had been one of the struggles in their friendship. At night Merlin would lie awake in thought, but in the daylight hours he could never seem to find the willpower to get up. Will though was always filled with energy during the day and heaven forbid you interrupt his 8 hours of rest. Recently Merlin had given his number to Gaius for safety reasons, but Gaius texting him was very unlikely.

Curious as to whom it was Merlin reached for his phone. " **Kilgharrah** " flashed on the screen. Merlin recognized the name of one of his only two friends at school. He lazily thumbed through his lock pattern. After 3 years of the same motions Merlin was fairly certain he could do it in his sleep, and maybe even make it through a good ten minutes of temple run too. The text immediately opened up.

**Merlin**

That was all it said. Merlin could almost hear Kilgharrah’s ridiculously deep voice in his head. Just the thought of Kilgharrah sitting in bed saying his name made Merlin giggle. Finally he turned his attention back to the text. His reply was one word just as Kilgharrah's had been.

**What**

The response was almost immediate as if the text had already been typed. Knowing Kilgharrah it probably had been. It was only a few weeks after Merlin met Kilgharrah in his philosophy class that Kilgharrah got his hands on a voice throwing book. Ever since then Kilgharrah had enjoyed pretending he was all powerful which went as far as pre-written texts and talking about events as if he knew they would happen because of “destiny”. The only person who could get Kilgharrah to shut up about such things was Professor Balinor who had almost complete control over the normally rebellious young man. Merlin was at first tempted to avoid this same young man, but soon realized that Kilgharrah was probably going to be one of his only friends and it wasn't like Merlin was any less weird.

The text itself was as plain and devoid of punctuation as the others had been although quite a few words longer. In fact there were actually two texts. The second one, Merlin reasoned, must have come in while Merlin was musing over Kilgharrah’s strange habits.

**I’m bored come over**

**We have almost the same schedule so don't tell me you have class**

Merlin chuckled. It was actually Merlin’s own smile that made him decide to take the offer despite how early it was. He knew he wasn't going to get back to sleep and Kilgharrah lived nearby. Besides he could use a bit of laughter and distraction from the day ahead of him. Worst case scenario he would end up ranting about a certain Pendragon and end up being late which at this point didn't seem so bad. Kilgharrah did usually have good advice, even if he did try to sound like a wise old fortune telling man while giving it and anything to put off the visit was good news to Merlin. Merlin replied to the text quickly and forced himself out of bed.

**Coming**

Merlin quickly wrote a note telling Gaius where he had gone and promising to be back in time. Just before leaving, Merlin grabbed his camera and satchel. Fall mornings like these were perfect for photos although there wasn't quite the same landscape as there had been in Maine in the small town he had lived in. He grabbed his jacket and favorite scarf and began bounding down the steps of the building. The chilly early morning air of late fall greeted him as he stepped out. With no money on him for a cab, Merlin began walking. He stopped a few times along the way to take pictures of scattered trees between buildings or people walking by. He got one particularly nice shot of the sun peeking out over a low lying building and making the nearby buildings seem red and gold. There was another of a newspaper that was picked up by a breeze that Merlin liked, but his favorites were the ones he got of a young couple reading a book together and gigging with each other.

Eventually Merlin made it to Kilgharrah’s building with 37 new photos on his camera and an intense case of shivering. He reached for the button only to be buzzed in, true to Kilgharrah fashion, just as his pale slender finger touched the cold plastic. Merlin rushed inside to escape the chill. There was only a slight breeze, but with no clothes truly meant for fall on him and no more than skin to protect his bones, Merlin was much colder than he would have liked. This building did in fact have a working elevator and so Merlin relaxed and collected himself as he rode to the 6th floor.

A face greeted him with a wry smile just as the doors opened.

“Hello Merlin. What's troubling you today?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey nerds! This fic is coming back to life and a newly edited and hopefully continuing version can be found at the link below so head on over.

[Put The Knife Down](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11230347/chapters/25096071)


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